My "in between day"

My father, born on Christmas day and placed under the tree by Grandpa

This has always been a happy day for me because yesterday was Christmas and tomorrow is my birthday. It's my "in between day." I should add, we had a white Christmas, that is very rare here in Texas.

Instead of feeling happy today, I'm irritable, angry, frustrated and sad. I had the worst Christmas I can ever remember. I envisioned a quiet night around the lighted Christmas tree, reading of Christ's birth from the scriptures, remembering and feeling His love. I could get a hug as my only present and I would be grateful. I am not about buying gifts just so the kids will have something to open. If I purchase a gift, it must have meaning and love behind it. My Christmas went poorly because blended families can divide rather than blend. When Brooke came to me and asked, "why did Tim fill all the girls stockings except mine?" I was reminded that she is mine, her father is dead and Tim has not embraced her in his heart.

Christmas felt more like an obligation than a celebration. I long for a Christ centered home instead of just a half Christ centered home. I love my husband, but I wish he knew how true happiness and joy are obtained.

As my daughter Crystal would say, "mom, quit being a Debbie downer, be happy." So, I am off to make sure my happy "in between day" stays happy. I'm turning my frown upside down and smiling this frown away.

Thanksgiving thoughts

My husband bought a camera that takes pictures upon motion detection. Thanks to this camera, he can now see the deer on the land he has leased even if he isn't there to see/shoot them in person. The deer in these 2 pictures has Tim so excited to go hunting every weekend. He can't wait to meet him in person.

We left to our camping spot on the deer lease on Thanksgiving morning. We went sans children and we cooked a delicious turkey over a campfire. We spent 2 wonderful days reminiscing about falling in love and enduring the challenges our marriage has faced.

I said, "we have to say what we are thankful for." Tim did not have to even think about his response. He said, "I am thankful for a wife who is so brave, stood by me when a lesser person would not have done so and has so much love in her heart for me and others." Wow! I replied, "it was a tremendous honor for me to be the one at your side, loving and supporting you in your time of trial and despair, and I have no regrets."

I am thankful for the love, dignity and respect I have been blessed with being married to Timothy Wayne Barrett.

The camouflage place where we, well, you know.....outhouse
blurry picture of Tim inside the travel trailer
Our campfire
The travel trailer and the "building" Tim built...not sure what it's for.
Brooke reading by the campfire
Brooke and Ruba on the 4-wheeler

In Texas, hunter's lease rancher's land for the season and then we go on weekends and "camp" while Tim camouflage's himself, gets up before the sun and goes hunting. He loves it, it's great to get away....you can see so many more stars when you are out in the middle of no where.

This is the season we are in. I miss most weekends due to class but Brooke enjoys every minute of it. This weekend, Tim is taking 2 of his daughters....that hasn't happened in a long time. It's good for them to spend time cooped up together.

Back to school

This is my last day of class in my first class in the MBA program at Texas Woman's University (does that make any sense?). It was hard to get through because of the many other stresses in my life. On the first day of class, we all had to stand up and introduce ourselves and give a brief synopsis of why we were in the MBA program and where we were at in our careers. When it was my turn, I stood up................voice quivering and tears welled up in my eyes............... and I said I was in a lot of physical pain, currently not working and not sure where I'm going yet, but I'm trusting the advice of my mentor's and taking this path. The professor thanked me for my honesty and said she'll meet me where I'm at and we'll all get through this together.

I love learning and education. This will be good for me, and it will set a good example for my children.

I learned I have osteoarthritis in my cervical spine (neck) along with bone spurs and significant disc degeneration, OUCH!!! I go on Thursday to get steroid injections in 5 places in my neck. I'll get another round of this one week later. I am hoping for some relief. My doctor is very optimistic that the headaches and neck pain will dramatically diminish, if not disappear. Please let him be right.

By the way, I think I stand a good chance at getting an A in my class, but I won't be able to find out for a couple weeks.

The knot at the end of my rope

I have been reluctant to post. I have been enduring depression, brought on by many fronts.

I have had chronic pain drop me to my knees.

I have struggled with a child that asked, "mom, if something happened to me and I died, would you be sad?" I had this child reveal to me that she thinks about killing herself often. She boldly declared to classmates at school, "I wish (named with-held, but someone who bullies her) would die."

Another child has faced being "dumped" by a woman he wanted to be his eternal companion.

Yet another child (woman), advised she will be getting engaged soon, but she is scared because he is joining the Army Special Forces in june and she asked, "what if he dies, mom? He's my person. What would I do?"

I have cried so much the past months, culminating in a week long cry-fest. I had mornings that, upon waking, tears flowed down my cheeks and lasted days. This has left my husband scrambling for what he could to to help.

Feeling overwhelmed, I am beginning to grasp on to hope and empowerment.

I am cleaning out my closet, metaphorically speaking. I am trying to feel every feeling-good, bad, shameful, angry, PAINFUL (physically) and most often, grief.

I have tied a very large knot at the end of my rope and I am learning to swing on the rope back and forth, pulling and kicking my feet.....the sways get longer and longer and as they do, I am feeling a little joy, although it can be fleeting.

good night, I'll try and write more, these feelings should be expressed, felt and celebrated....they are my humanity, they are me on this journey.

A difficult prayer

Trying to blend the marriage I entered, with the church and testimony I briefly grew apart from (while I fell in love and married), I am seeing little hope tonight. I don't think I should write about such personal trials over the internet, but then again, it is my reality and what good is reality if I can't experience and express it!

My sadness at my husband's distaste for my desired devotion to my Savior is heart breaking. What can I do? My heart is full, and empty. Please God, grant me some mercy, as I love you and want to return to you, especially with him.

I feel anguish. But, I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who gave me an opportunity to feel such a thing. To FEEL.......love and anguish......it is all for the better than to have never experienced either.

To my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ and my husband, Tim, I love you so very much and long to always be with you.

All my love,

Me

The baby bunny and my baby

Saturday, after being out all day, I got home at 10pm.  The first thing I did was go to the back yard to bring Ruba (our black lab) in for the night.  She always feels obligated to find her ball or a toy (usually small stuffed animals) as soon as she see's me coming toward the sliding door.  So, no surprise to me, as I'm opening the door she quickly turns away looking to grab a toy to bring in to show me and hope to get me to play with her.

When she picked up the toy, in the darkness, I heard a shriek.  I immediately knew a small animal had managed to get into the back yard.  As she excitedly jumped and held the animal in her mouth to show me, I thought it was a mouse by it's size but as I struggled to release it from her mouth and got it into my hand I realized it was a baby bunny (the picture in this post is not of the actual bunny but of similar size).

While Ruba was trying to hold the bunny (who was promptly named Peter by Brooke) as gently as she could, it appeared she had picked it up and played with it for quite awhile before I got home.  The injuries were to be fatal, but it lingered still trying to move and writhe around.

I placed peter on a soft wash cloth, gently holding him and called my husbands cell phone for help on what to do.  He didn't answer, he was out at the boat and had gone visiting a neighbors boat.  

Brooke had tears streaming down her face, desperately trying to get me to run the bunny to an emergency vet.  Too many wounds, death was inevitable and so I managed to get Brooke to bed and gently sat the baby bunny on my night stand praying to God to let it stop breathing so I could know it was no longer suffering.

3 more unanswered phone calls to my husband.  45 minutes of desperation watching this little baby suffer.  I knew I should put it out of it's misery but the only thing I could think of was to smash it's head, I couldn't do it.

Tim finally saw my missed calls and called me right away.  I told him what happened.  He knew I couldn't physically kill it so he recommended I wrap it in the wash cloth and put in the freezer and it would die quicker but somewhat peacefully.  I agreed and hung up.  I got to the bedroom doorway and couldn't continue.  I knew what had to be done but I could not bring my tender heart to act.

MOTHER'S GIVE LIFE, NOT TAKE LIFE!  Anguish over took me.  "Please God, ease his suffering." And then, the connection.................my baby, my dear son Tyler.  I had been given the courage and strength to ease his suffering and have him removed from the respirator but I felt totally helpless looking at this wounded baby bunny. 

I called Crystal and she could sense my emotion as I told her my predicament.   She quickly said she would be right home and would bring her boyfriend to help.

I handed the bunny off to Crystal and sat back on my bed and started sobbing.  It had been so long since the raw emotion's of Tyler's death pierced my heart.  Time really can heal if you let it.  But this night, time disappeared and the loss of my baby surfaced.

The deed was done quickly and the bunny was respectfully buried.  It has been 2 days now and still the weight of losing Tyler is felt heavy again in my heart.  Time must take it's blessed task and move me forward to heal again.  Off we go.

The Dad in the orange hat

The Daddy-Daughter Olympics were recently held on our church grounds.  Brooke has, over the past 2 years since her father died, consistently asked my husband, Tim (wearing the orange hat), if she could call him dad.  It started immediately after her father died and Tim didn't feel comfortable allowing this out of respect for her father.  He said if he died, it would devastate him if his daughter's tried to replace him so quickly.

Fast forward 2 years......now he's Dad!  And along with that title comes Daddy-Daughter responsibilities.  

Important to realize, Tim is not a member of our church, 'though he's a rockin' good guy, just somewhat a never-wanting-to-have-any-obligation-to-join-the-church sort of person.  He will go mow the lawn if he gets home from work and realizes the missionary's or visiting/home teachers are in the house.  He doesn't want to be anyone's "project" so to speak.

"Dad, will you take me to the Daddy-Daughter Olympics at the church next Saturday morning?"  "Of course I will."

I decided to go to take pictures (really for moral support).  On the way to the church, Tim asked, "so now that I'm going to this, am I going to get church people stopping by the house every other day?"  I laughed, "no, just once a week."

So these pictures show my husband playing with his new daughter and some of the best Priesthood holders in the church.  To me he was rubbing shoulders with heaven.  Heavenly father, as he usually does, uses the small and simple things of the world to show his power and love...Tim went to the church...he even went inside to get a drink...and he didn't get struck by lightening!   Progress!

Humility

Step-sister's, the little one teaching the older one how to fish at the boat dock.

An hour ago, I stole a small moment with Megan, my eldest step-daughter, and expressed my love and concern for her. I told her how I've made mistakes over the years when dealing with issues with her and her sisters. I apologized. I felt painfully humble. She listened.

I might have been right in all the situations that produced conflict, but maybe not. Parenting, and especially step-parenting, is an imperfect dynamic. Do I care right now if I was right or not? No! I care that she survived her car accident, that she spent the day with her father and that she was polite and allowed me to express myself in a caring manner.

I feel like crying. Humility, it turns out, isn't about me, it's about love and all those things bigger than me. Being right has kept us estranged. Being lovingly sincere and expressing humility has brought us hope.

I pray I remember this deep feeling and the welling up inside of me that I feel right now. God bless you, Megan, we love you.

Comfort

I watched Dr Phil just now (yes, I watch Dr Phil, while I clean) and today's show made me sit down and really listen. There was a couple that was stuck in the grieving process in the drowning death of their young son that occured 2 years ago. The son was ironically named Tyler, just as my young son, and stirred some feelings from my own loss.

I remember the depth of the pain and loss of his little life. I remember about 4 days after his burial, desperately wanting to go to the cemetery and dig up his casket just to feel him one more time. Now don't think I went crazy in my grief. I didn't act on the impulse, I knew he wouldn't look the same (but I didn't care about that), I just didn't want to let go.

Frequent, drop-to-the-floor crying spells seemed to comfort me because it meant I was feeling my love for him. I have never felt such raw emotions. As despair tried to envelope me, I felt surrounded and lifted up by feelings of love. It was as if an army of angels circled their wagons around me and dug in for the duration.

I surrendered to my Heavenly Father's plan, and I let his angels protect and love me and lift me out of despair. Comfort and love came to me from every direction as if I was a most favored daughter of God and he would stop at nothing to show me his thanks for caring and loving his dear son, Tyler.

Such a pleasure it was to care for Tyler. Such a joy it was to love him. Such a gift wrapped up in so much pain. This life is so worth the journey.

oops

I haven't posted in awhile, oops.

Brooke is attending Fashion Camp at the Mower's home each week.  It is bringing out a very productive and creative side of her.  I'm loving that very much and am even getting inspired to take on some summer projects we can do together.  It's time to figure out how to use my new sewing machine.

Nathan and Crystal are lounging around on a house boat with their father and his family at Lake Powell.  I'm glad they get to spend such fun time together, love you guys!

Tim just started a new job with a very stable, good company and his favorite perk right now is running a crane that has air conditioning.  For the past couple months he didn't have such a perk. My husband had to work sun up to sun down, 6 days a week, in a metal box (crane) in direct sunlight with no AC. I suppose my relentless complaints about the Texas heat could be toned down a bit since I never had to work outside in it.

I am feeling like a rock-star Sunbeam teacher.  They can all be crying and afraid to come to Primary and before you know it, they all want to sit by me (or on my lap) and hold my hand and get excited about class.  I am so very grateful for the love my Heavenly Father blesses me with for children.   

 

Drunk Driving

My 22 yr old step-daughter, very drunk, rolled her car at midnight last week.  She had to be extricated from the vehicle and taken by a Careflight helicopter to a trauma center.  Still slurring her speech, she called her dad at 3:13 am to say she was okay, broke her shoulder and her wrist but otherwise fine.  

I am hated by this young woman.  I pray for her, the mother in me is so relieved she didn't die and even more relieved she didn't harm anyone else.

My angst, and keep in mind her father was a police officer for 15 years and I have worked at the Lewisville Police Department for 8 years in Dispatch, the officer at the scene didn't cite her for expired insurance, he noted the accident was contributed in part to excessive speed but didn't give her a ticket for that either.  And the grandaddy of my angst, he ignored her intoxication completely.

I don't want her to have legal repercussions to her actions because she is hateful to me and we have a very estranged relationship.  I want her to experience the hard consequences that drunk driving has so she will be so woken up to the point that she will stop feeling so invincible.  This isn't the first time she has driven drunk, just the first time she got caught-but did she really get "caught?"  

As an EMT working on an ambulance years ago, I have seen people die and the young drunk driver with their whole life ahead of them jailed for decades.  This accident could have been a way to learn an important, imperative lesson without killing someone.  Instead, she only seems concerned about the loss of her precious Lexus.

Megan, you don't have to like anything about me and you can even hate me.  But that doesn't mean I can't still love and care about you.  I am grateful you are still on this earth and hope you have the support you need to recover.

Dog grooming during a recession

No, using the dust-buster on the hopelessly ever shedding dog does not work. Nice try though, honey.

Our dog's name is Ruba (we honeymooned exactly 5 yrs ago in Aruba and loved it). She even walks across my cream colored ceramic tile floor and black hair magically deposits itself all over. My husband is quick to remind me that the 2 cats I brought with me into this marriage are a pet-hair nightmare too (I'll give him some points on that one).

Yesterday I got to dust and vacuum every inch of the house, determined to rid us of the hair. Did I mention the long beautiful hair of the 3 girls that live here contributed to my workload? My husband, Tim, gets and out on this one, his hair is more precious and less likely to even be noticed if he lost more, darn.

So the house is clean, Ruba gets to spend good weather days outside guarding the backyard and in a few days, me and the kids will de-hair the house once again.

Good thought for our times

"The greater part of our happiness depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances."

Martha Washington

Falling down

I received an unexpected call from Nathan, who lives up in Utah. He said, "I love you mom, I'm about to jump out of a plane (sky diving). Don't worry! I'll call you back if I don't die, bye!"

"I love you too! Have fun and be careful!"

He called me back (not as quickly as I think he should've) saying he's alive. He said they fell through an ice cloud, and that hurt, but overall it was really fun. I suppose he impressed the 2 girls that went with him. When I said, "2 girls? I'm impressed." He said, "yep, you taught me well mom."

I'm glad he's keeping his options open, and being a good friend. Parenting never really ends, and that's a good thing.

A son's devotion

This is my first-born, Nathan. I was doing some Spring cleaning/organizing and found a letter he wrote to me as he began the second year of his 2 year mission for our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Mormon), keep in mind he was the ripe old age of twenty as he wrote this to his mother,

"...I have served for a full 13 months now and it seems to keep on flying by. Right now I am in a place called Island Falls Maine, this place has become home to me and I really love the people and it was really hard to say good-bye to them, THEY WERE LIKE FAMILY. I'm going to Newfoundland tomorrow and I am so excited that it's not even funny. Well some cool things that I am learning on my mission are:
1. This is the Lords work and He has asked us to help
2. Without the Spirit all is vain
3. Pride is of the Devil
4. Humility is of God
5. Prayer works
6. We must trust God no matter the cost
7. Dogs are all bark and no bite
8. The work is rewarding
9. Home teaching is absolutely vital
10. Don't argue
11. I would rather tract in snow than in rain
12. Talk to everyone (D&C 60:2)
13. to do dishes
14. to do laundry
15. cook
16. never look for the bad in others always look for the bad in yourself and repent
17. no one likes a hypocrite
18. pick your battles

Well there are lots more but there are a few things that I have learned, I have also learned how to shop for places to live, and buy heating oil (didn't know what it was till I came out here).

I have walked more that I ever thought possible, I have slipped and fallen down right in front of people (not fun), I have gotten into some really big arguments with companions (living with the same guy for 3 months can do that to you) I have been called almost every swear word, I have been threatened and told that if I come back the cops will be called. I have been told that I am going to hell (but they can't tell me why) I have seen people's lives turn around because of the gospel.

I love my mission, right now I am memorizing a scripture a day and am focusing on Repentance, and I like the subject because it brings the spirit into a conversation and it really helps people start to change their lives when you read Alma 34:32-34 to them. Did you know that repent basically means to change? So when you explain that to someone they really start to realize what repentance is and why it's important...."

Nate's been back from his mission over 2 yrs now. I wish a letter like this for every missionary mom out there hoping and trusting in the Lord to watch over her son as he strives to serve and obey and becomes a man. Nathan, you are a blessing to me and our family and I hope and pray to see you again soon.

P.S.
He's single!

Bug

This is Bug (aka Crystal), all grown up and taking her talents to wonderful heights. She spends hours upon hours sitting on her bedroom floor painting and drawing (art major, junior year).

Laboring to bring her into this world nearly killed me. One minute I was yelling, "Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!" Then, a wave of emotion as the declaration "it's a girl" was realized. She was such a pretty baby and is still so beautiful inside and out.

I was 21 when she was born and this is her now at 21. Paint away Bug! I love you!

Loud rolling thunder

There are flashes of lightning followed by loud rolling thunder outside as I write. It is symbolic of the last several days in my home.

I am a self-described "home body." I actively and regularly pray for the Holy Spirit to be present in my home, that love, peace, comfort and harmony is what is felt as those we know and love come and go.

I'm not naive. There is regular parenting going on, children arguing, disagreements, a raised voice, stress. I suppose that's why the prayers are on-going. It is a battle to keep the bad out and the good safely within and growing in the right direction.

I am nearly speechless about my experiences as a step-mom. I have 3 step-daughters ages 17, 19 and 22. The hatred they have brought into and expressed within my home toward me has been exceptional. It's not just the "you're not my mom, don't tell me what to do" type attitude that frequents blended families, it goes deeper. Within the eyes and ears of my own children I have been yelled at, called obscenities and punched in the face. My youngest step-daughter, Daddy's most beloved, spent spring break at our home at the demand of her mother due to a series of escalating bad behaviors that were severely affecting their relationship. Hmmmmm, any guess how my spring break went? I wasn't punched in the face but her last night here, she did lay her hands on me and swearing, yelling and anger awoke my children in their beds in our home where I want them to feel safety and love and peace.

She is back with her mother again. Peace is returning here. I love a man that deeply loves his daughters and so I pray for them, and for me to love and forgive them. I pray for wisdom and patience and ask forgiveness for where I've let them down.

I feel grateful for prayer and a Heavenly Father that is always there for me. He has kept hope and faith for my husband and all of our children alive in my heart. He speaks peace to my soul.

Some things I want to do before I die

* Get either a Master's or Doctorate degree
* Learn about Africa and the needs of the people there...find a way provide some humanitarian aid
* Serve a mission for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
* Mentor someone
* Participate in or develop an out-reach program to help underserved populations (food, medicine, clothing, etc.) in my area
* Learn to bake really good rolls for Sunday dinners
* See Brooke Graduate from college
* Write something inspiring
* Visit Europe
* Learn to speak another language, Spanish or French
* Be a dependable and in tune Visiting Teacher
* Be well aquainted with every phase of the gospel
* Be a grandmother
* Return to the temple

Change

This economy keeps nipping at my heels. My husband spent 2 weeks looking for work after having his job re-defined and put on hold by a...dare I say...company that lacks character and integrity (that's putting it mildly, no great loss to me). He is a hard worker and very good at his trade, so he was able to get a side job as a crane operator building the bridge over Lake Lewisville to Little Elm. The pay is almost as good but benefits don't kick in for 6 months. The whole family is without insurance right now so far as I can tell, his former company isn't taking calls.

I had a plan when I quit my job months ago...school, student loans, more time with family, providing daycare for the sweetest twin baby boys with the added bonus of helping out a friend. All that has changed. Daycare is on hold as my friends divorce and custody battle ensues. I can only offer support and friendship for now...she will need plenty and she can have all I can give. I was going to work part-time at my old job to bring in extra money as needed...that hasn't been able to happen yet. No income for me right now.

I spend my days trying to get back to the basics, the things I use to be a pro at...laundry neatly folded and put away, family dinner cooked every night, peaceful daily scripture study, prayer with my children several times a day, having my special day each week where I taught my children (individually) to cook family dinner (some of the best times together).

You see, my work (the job I quit) was stressful, kept me away from family dinners, holidays, homework times. I wasn't able to nurture my family very well and little by little, I forgot how to do it the way I used to.

So here I am...a little lost...by myself much of the day trying to find ways to make the lives of those I love a little easier. The last time I was a full-time mom my house was full of life. I had 3-4 foster children at a time living with me (talk about tremendously difficult but rewarding work and Katie, I totally feel for you with the lice thing), my own 2, and then later 4, children to teach and love and I drove from West Valley City to Provo, Ut back and forth 4 days a week for class (went back to school, pre-med :-) and graduated from Brigham Young University with a BS).

I miss the days when I knew exactly what was suppose to happen every day, hour and minute. The many responsibilities, all very worthy endeavors, directed my every move and never left a quietness unless it was from a much appreciated prayer or from the child that finally fell asleep on my shoulder, sick and lying in my arms finally comforted. YES!!! I miss all that!

I worked hard to be a great wife, mother and daughter back then. I'm trying to re-group from my 8 years as a single...working...over-stressed.. inactive because I had to work on sunday (no excuse for how far I let myself slide)...mother, and I feel so lost. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be back but I had no idea how much it cost me to be away and so stressed for so long. I only hope I can find my path....be able to serve others more fully again...and make up for lost opportunities to nurture the wonderful people around me.

two become one

These two darling brother's have successfully completed their first year on earth. Their mother is a good friend of mine and I get to watch "the boys" when she goes to work. I enjoy my time with them so much it makes my ovaries hurt. So we went out to dinner to celebrate their milestone and enjoy each other's company...girlfriend's, food and babies...it was a nice evening.

My Sunshine

She is so full of life and always has been. She was about 14 months old and in foster care when I first met her. Her "other mom" was just a teenager and also in foster care. Thanks to my many years as a foster parent and working with teens, I was chosen to help teach this young mom how to better care for her daughter so they could be reunited. Half way through our little journey, addiction took over and, out of love, one mother asked another mother if she would raise her daughter as her own. Just after her second birthday, this little ray of sunshine became ours. She's incredibly strong and equally warm and inviting. She's my sunshine.

Embracing technology

I went off to college in 1983 with my manual typewriter in tow. I was fortunate to have my own typewriter and I fondly remember trying to get the hang of putting White-Out tape in it so I would'nt have to re-type a whole page if I made a typing mistake. So I would make a typo...I'd hold the tape in the site...backspace...re-type...it never looked perfect but I remember wishing I had invented White-Out tape...GENIOUS I tell you! Back then, who would have thought computers could fit in your lap and you could copy and paste, spell and grammer check your way to a perfect paper?

I did not grow up with technology at my finger tips but I am enjoying having my children show me how to do things. I have been surprised by the wonderful Katie and her "six times the fun (and chaos)." She is a beautiful writer and true example of love. She has inspired me to write. I'm embracing technology and I HAVE MY OWN BLOG! It seems appropriate to end with LOL!