Proud mama

My first born, Nathan, is such a wonderful young man. He calls me regularly to check in and let me know how he is doing...and to say he loves me. This week he told me about his concern for a young woman from his apartment complex. She was jogging on a trail behind the complex at around 4:30 in the afternoon when she was grabbed by a stranger, severely beaten, raped and then hung and left for dead. She was found while she was still alive and is now in the hospital. I hate knowing that dangerous people do walk among us. Nathan and his roommates are now regularly escorting other girls to and from their cars and to the laundry room. He is a gentleman.

I stopped blogging for about 6 months because I struggled with depression and some of my old posts seemed too emotional for my comfort....but, I'm back to writing!

Great news, my husband and I are going to meet a young man (30 yrs old) on Friday. What makes this interesting is this young man grew up without knowing his father and after sufficient inquiry, it turns out that my husband is his father. This makes us instant grandparents since Brandon (that's his name) has a 7 yr old son and a baby daughter due in November. We have embraced this news and can't wait to see him.

Hopefully I will have some pictures of us all enjoying each other on a great holiday weekend. I am looking forward to writing about how it all goes.

My "in between day"

My father, born on Christmas day and placed under the tree by Grandpa

This has always been a happy day for me because yesterday was Christmas and tomorrow is my birthday. It's my "in between day." I should add, we had a white Christmas, that is very rare here in Texas.

Instead of feeling happy today, I'm irritable, angry, frustrated and sad. I had the worst Christmas I can ever remember. I envisioned a quiet night around the lighted Christmas tree, reading of Christ's birth from the scriptures, remembering and feeling His love. I could get a hug as my only present and I would be grateful. I am not about buying gifts just so the kids will have something to open. If I purchase a gift, it must have meaning and love behind it. My Christmas went poorly because blended families can divide rather than blend. When Brooke came to me and asked, "why did Tim fill all the girls stockings except mine?" I was reminded that she is mine, her father is dead and Tim has not embraced her in his heart.

Christmas felt more like an obligation than a celebration. I long for a Christ centered home instead of just a half Christ centered home. I love my husband, but I wish he knew how true happiness and joy are obtained.

As my daughter Crystal would say, "mom, quit being a Debbie downer, be happy." So, I am off to make sure my happy "in between day" stays happy. I'm turning my frown upside down and smiling this frown away.

Thanksgiving thoughts

My husband bought a camera that takes pictures upon motion detection. Thanks to this camera, he can now see the deer on the land he has leased even if he isn't there to see/shoot them in person. The deer in these 2 pictures has Tim so excited to go hunting every weekend. He can't wait to meet him in person.

We left to our camping spot on the deer lease on Thanksgiving morning. We went sans children and we cooked a delicious turkey over a campfire. We spent 2 wonderful days reminiscing about falling in love and enduring the challenges our marriage has faced.

I said, "we have to say what we are thankful for." Tim did not have to even think about his response. He said, "I am thankful for a wife who is so brave, stood by me when a lesser person would not have done so and has so much love in her heart for me and others." Wow! I replied, "it was a tremendous honor for me to be the one at your side, loving and supporting you in your time of trial and despair, and I have no regrets."

I am thankful for the love, dignity and respect I have been blessed with being married to Timothy Wayne Barrett.

The camouflage place where we, well, you know.....outhouse
blurry picture of Tim inside the travel trailer
Our campfire
The travel trailer and the "building" Tim built...not sure what it's for.
Brooke reading by the campfire
Brooke and Ruba on the 4-wheeler

In Texas, hunter's lease rancher's land for the season and then we go on weekends and "camp" while Tim camouflage's himself, gets up before the sun and goes hunting. He loves it, it's great to get away....you can see so many more stars when you are out in the middle of no where.

This is the season we are in. I miss most weekends due to class but Brooke enjoys every minute of it. This weekend, Tim is taking 2 of his daughters....that hasn't happened in a long time. It's good for them to spend time cooped up together.

Back to school

This is my last day of class in my first class in the MBA program at Texas Woman's University (does that make any sense?). It was hard to get through because of the many other stresses in my life. On the first day of class, we all had to stand up and introduce ourselves and give a brief synopsis of why we were in the MBA program and where we were at in our careers. When it was my turn, I stood up................voice quivering and tears welled up in my eyes............... and I said I was in a lot of physical pain, currently not working and not sure where I'm going yet, but I'm trusting the advice of my mentor's and taking this path. The professor thanked me for my honesty and said she'll meet me where I'm at and we'll all get through this together.

I love learning and education. This will be good for me, and it will set a good example for my children.

I learned I have osteoarthritis in my cervical spine (neck) along with bone spurs and significant disc degeneration, OUCH!!! I go on Thursday to get steroid injections in 5 places in my neck. I'll get another round of this one week later. I am hoping for some relief. My doctor is very optimistic that the headaches and neck pain will dramatically diminish, if not disappear. Please let him be right.

By the way, I think I stand a good chance at getting an A in my class, but I won't be able to find out for a couple weeks.

The knot at the end of my rope

I have been reluctant to post. I have been enduring depression, brought on by many fronts.

I have had chronic pain drop me to my knees.

I have struggled with a child that asked, "mom, if something happened to me and I died, would you be sad?" I had this child reveal to me that she thinks about killing herself often. She boldly declared to classmates at school, "I wish (named with-held, but someone who bullies her) would die."

Another child has faced being "dumped" by a woman he wanted to be his eternal companion.

Yet another child (woman), advised she will be getting engaged soon, but she is scared because he is joining the Army Special Forces in june and she asked, "what if he dies, mom? He's my person. What would I do?"

I have cried so much the past months, culminating in a week long cry-fest. I had mornings that, upon waking, tears flowed down my cheeks and lasted days. This has left my husband scrambling for what he could to to help.

Feeling overwhelmed, I am beginning to grasp on to hope and empowerment.

I am cleaning out my closet, metaphorically speaking. I am trying to feel every feeling-good, bad, shameful, angry, PAINFUL (physically) and most often, grief.

I have tied a very large knot at the end of my rope and I am learning to swing on the rope back and forth, pulling and kicking my feet.....the sways get longer and longer and as they do, I am feeling a little joy, although it can be fleeting.

good night, I'll try and write more, these feelings should be expressed, felt and celebrated....they are my humanity, they are me on this journey.

A difficult prayer

Trying to blend the marriage I entered, with the church and testimony I briefly grew apart from (while I fell in love and married), I am seeing little hope tonight. I don't think I should write about such personal trials over the internet, but then again, it is my reality and what good is reality if I can't experience and express it!

My sadness at my husband's distaste for my desired devotion to my Savior is heart breaking. What can I do? My heart is full, and empty. Please God, grant me some mercy, as I love you and want to return to you, especially with him.

I feel anguish. But, I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who gave me an opportunity to feel such a thing. To FEEL.......love and anguish......it is all for the better than to have never experienced either.

To my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ and my husband, Tim, I love you so very much and long to always be with you.

All my love,

Me