Bug

This is Bug (aka Crystal), all grown up and taking her talents to wonderful heights. She spends hours upon hours sitting on her bedroom floor painting and drawing (art major, junior year).

Laboring to bring her into this world nearly killed me. One minute I was yelling, "Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!" Then, a wave of emotion as the declaration "it's a girl" was realized. She was such a pretty baby and is still so beautiful inside and out.

I was 21 when she was born and this is her now at 21. Paint away Bug! I love you!

Loud rolling thunder

There are flashes of lightning followed by loud rolling thunder outside as I write. It is symbolic of the last several days in my home.

I am a self-described "home body." I actively and regularly pray for the Holy Spirit to be present in my home, that love, peace, comfort and harmony is what is felt as those we know and love come and go.

I'm not naive. There is regular parenting going on, children arguing, disagreements, a raised voice, stress. I suppose that's why the prayers are on-going. It is a battle to keep the bad out and the good safely within and growing in the right direction.

I am nearly speechless about my experiences as a step-mom. I have 3 step-daughters ages 17, 19 and 22. The hatred they have brought into and expressed within my home toward me has been exceptional. It's not just the "you're not my mom, don't tell me what to do" type attitude that frequents blended families, it goes deeper. Within the eyes and ears of my own children I have been yelled at, called obscenities and punched in the face. My youngest step-daughter, Daddy's most beloved, spent spring break at our home at the demand of her mother due to a series of escalating bad behaviors that were severely affecting their relationship. Hmmmmm, any guess how my spring break went? I wasn't punched in the face but her last night here, she did lay her hands on me and swearing, yelling and anger awoke my children in their beds in our home where I want them to feel safety and love and peace.

She is back with her mother again. Peace is returning here. I love a man that deeply loves his daughters and so I pray for them, and for me to love and forgive them. I pray for wisdom and patience and ask forgiveness for where I've let them down.

I feel grateful for prayer and a Heavenly Father that is always there for me. He has kept hope and faith for my husband and all of our children alive in my heart. He speaks peace to my soul.

Some things I want to do before I die

* Get either a Master's or Doctorate degree
* Learn about Africa and the needs of the people there...find a way provide some humanitarian aid
* Serve a mission for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
* Mentor someone
* Participate in or develop an out-reach program to help underserved populations (food, medicine, clothing, etc.) in my area
* Learn to bake really good rolls for Sunday dinners
* See Brooke Graduate from college
* Write something inspiring
* Visit Europe
* Learn to speak another language, Spanish or French
* Be a dependable and in tune Visiting Teacher
* Be well aquainted with every phase of the gospel
* Be a grandmother
* Return to the temple

Change

This economy keeps nipping at my heels. My husband spent 2 weeks looking for work after having his job re-defined and put on hold by a...dare I say...company that lacks character and integrity (that's putting it mildly, no great loss to me). He is a hard worker and very good at his trade, so he was able to get a side job as a crane operator building the bridge over Lake Lewisville to Little Elm. The pay is almost as good but benefits don't kick in for 6 months. The whole family is without insurance right now so far as I can tell, his former company isn't taking calls.

I had a plan when I quit my job months ago...school, student loans, more time with family, providing daycare for the sweetest twin baby boys with the added bonus of helping out a friend. All that has changed. Daycare is on hold as my friends divorce and custody battle ensues. I can only offer support and friendship for now...she will need plenty and she can have all I can give. I was going to work part-time at my old job to bring in extra money as needed...that hasn't been able to happen yet. No income for me right now.

I spend my days trying to get back to the basics, the things I use to be a pro at...laundry neatly folded and put away, family dinner cooked every night, peaceful daily scripture study, prayer with my children several times a day, having my special day each week where I taught my children (individually) to cook family dinner (some of the best times together).

You see, my work (the job I quit) was stressful, kept me away from family dinners, holidays, homework times. I wasn't able to nurture my family very well and little by little, I forgot how to do it the way I used to.

So here I am...a little lost...by myself much of the day trying to find ways to make the lives of those I love a little easier. The last time I was a full-time mom my house was full of life. I had 3-4 foster children at a time living with me (talk about tremendously difficult but rewarding work and Katie, I totally feel for you with the lice thing), my own 2, and then later 4, children to teach and love and I drove from West Valley City to Provo, Ut back and forth 4 days a week for class (went back to school, pre-med :-) and graduated from Brigham Young University with a BS).

I miss the days when I knew exactly what was suppose to happen every day, hour and minute. The many responsibilities, all very worthy endeavors, directed my every move and never left a quietness unless it was from a much appreciated prayer or from the child that finally fell asleep on my shoulder, sick and lying in my arms finally comforted. YES!!! I miss all that!

I worked hard to be a great wife, mother and daughter back then. I'm trying to re-group from my 8 years as a single...working...over-stressed.. inactive because I had to work on sunday (no excuse for how far I let myself slide)...mother, and I feel so lost. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be back but I had no idea how much it cost me to be away and so stressed for so long. I only hope I can find my path....be able to serve others more fully again...and make up for lost opportunities to nurture the wonderful people around me.